Tree Guys Don’t Know Anything          Paul Hetzler

What is an arborist?

1. What a resident of Ann Arbor, Michigan calls herself/ himself.  

2. A person who has received extensive training in all aspects of tree care.  

3. As opposed to your borist.

Tree topping is:

1. A type of syrup that forest-industry workers prefer on their ice cream.  

2. An incorrect way to reduce a tree’s height, one which leads to a very weak and hazardous tree.  

3. A blend of mud and aquatic plant roots that beavers smear on a tree before they start gnawing.

What is drop-crotch pruning?

1. We don’t want to discuss that kind of thing here. 

2. The correct way to reduce the height of deciduous trees, also known as crown reduction. 

3. A way to modify normal-looking pants to conform to a particular fashion style.

Before planting a tree, what is the best material to add to the soil in the planting hole?

1. Wheaties.  

2. In most cases, nothing.  

3. An arborist.

What is tree wound dressing?

1. A natural fermented product derived from tree wound exudate, sometimes used in salad dressing.   

2. A compound once employed to seal over tree wounds but whose use is now discouraged.  

3. A cloth used to cover a tree wound to keep it clean and warm.

The best thing to fill a tree cavity with is:

1. Reinforcing rods, old water pipes or scrap metal, followed by concrete.  

2. Nothing.  

3. Dental amalgam.

How deep should a tree be planted?

1. The deeper the better.  

2. So its root flare is right at ground level.  

3. Depends on how many arborists you throw in the planting hole.

The root system of a mature tree, in profile, is shaped most like:

1. A carrot.  

2. A plate.  

3. It mirrors the crown in size and shape.

What are tree guys?

1. The ones wearing hardhats and carrying chainsaws, duh.  

2. Wires or cables to temporarily support young transplants subject to high wind.  

3. You mean tree persons, don’t you?

 

What is an underwire tree?

1. A Bonsai tree with an armature of wire embedded in the trunk.

2. A short-maturing tree species or cultivar that can grow under utility wires without interfering.

3. A tree bearing large, voluptuous fruit that require extra support. 

 

You guys know the answers…

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